I'm really sorry that no one has given you any feedback - because you did this really well! I wanted to wait until I really had time to look at it closely, because it looked good. I really like your idea; I think Solresol lends itself well to this kind of thing. I love that you managed to make poetry under such a rigid structure
If you don't mind, I'd like to make a couple corrective comments:
There are two rather large problems - fasol
means 'Why' under Gajewski's definitions, but not under Sudre's. Sudre defined fasol
to mean 'here is, there is' (I think mostly as an introductory word). If this was a normal poem, I'd suggest changing it to solfa
- 'because'. But... That would maintain meaning, but not structure (and structure seems more important).
You're the poet for this poem, so I'm disinclined to offer up a ton of suggestions for editing it... one idea I do
have is, "Fâsolmi! Re sidola / Solla midofasi...
" (Malice! And progress always suffers...), using 'malice, unkindness, ill will' as a sort of curse word, or angry outburst. But that's totally up to you.
The other thing is that solre
doesn't mean 'in, within', but means 'why? what for?' Again, I'll leave it to you to decide how you want to edit that… I hope you can come up with something
One last thing, but don't worry, it isn't bad news for you at all - it's just about accents.
Whenever you use the noun form of a verb, it needs an accent on the first syllable. So the poem as you wrote it would be:
Do rêmifa solla, si?
Rêlasi famisol do
Mîsila solre dofa.
Fasol? Remi sîdola
Solla midofasi re
Larefado solmi, si?
Si, lasol famire do.
The phrasing of the last line is a bit awkward, but I like the symmetry of it, so I'd leave it
I hope I didn't ruin this for you - I really like it, and I want to help you make it the best it can be. We don't have much original writing around here, and it'd be great to see whatever you come up with! It's a refreshing bit of creativity
I hope you can work some good editing, and I hope you keep writing more